I started this blog because I thought I should. Don't we all do so many things we really have no interest in because we think it is something we should do. I am writing this now because I want to. It is 3:39 AM and I can't seem to fall asleep. Right now I want to use the words tossing and turning because I think I should use them. I mean, it's that what everyone says they were doing when they can't fall asleep at 3:30 in the morning? How many people really are. I was lying awake drifting into the endless well that is my mind. I delete abyss because I know that is not what it is, but have heard it used so many times. I am writing in a style I have heard before. Channeling Garden State, anyone? Chuck Palahiniuk anyone? I worry whether I am spelling correctly. Who gives a fuck? Erasing question marks for whoever is reading this. Myself. Erase self chatter. Looking like a crazy person. I relax my shoulders when I realize no one will read this, secretly hoping I am wrong. Correct spelling again. Why am I writing in short choppy sentences? Is this me talking...or how I think I should be sounding. To you, the infinite abyss. I cringe at the phrase. It seems fake. Seems contrive. Seems like something that kid from Scrubs would say. Probably because he did. Who am I kidding? What am I trying to hide?
This whole thing seems like an act of self indulgence. What if it is? Who am I to judge? I'll let you decide...you indefinite reader. This is my voice. I have to learn it. My gut has a bullshit meter more sensitive than any scientific instrument. I can feel when something is fake. This feels more real than I think I've ever written. Despite the cringing feeling my gut makes when I reference Garden State. God I'm a poser. God I'm so typical. Must be different. Must be edgy. Must sound troubled and dark. Write in short sentences, makes things seem urgent and important. Yet, I can't stop. Even more honestly, the thought for writing this post probably came from my very untroubled, sunny viewing of Julie and Julia with my parents last Sunday afternoon. God I'm a poser. God I'm so typical. Another punk ass spoiled white kid who thinks she's got it tough. Thinks she has something to fight for. That is what I imagine you thinking. Running through your head as your mouse edges toward that X button. As you switch back to your friend's blog with her 500 vacation pictures taken with her left hand. Her face too close to the lens because she has to take those goddamn pictures herself because no one else gives a shit. That is much easier to look at. That isn't the truth. I'm looking for the truth. I'm going to keep looking for the truth, I don't give a fuck what you say. I'm not going to hide anymore. I'm not going to ignore this feeling in my gut that tells me everything I'm hearing is a lie. A cover for what's real. I've tried that shitty ass road. It sucks. It's empty. I hit that big yellow dead end sign and I started to turn around thinking "Why the fuck did I turn onto that road?" That didn't even look like a legit path. Yes it did, that's a lie. It was well paved. The path of many before myself. It's a damn busy road to. More like an interstate. More like a parking lot. A parking lot where I thought I was moving. Using up all my gas in neutral. I can relax my shoulders because I'm speaking the truth. Funny, how it does set you free. Damn cliche. Well you know what, they are goddamn cliches for a reason. You ever think about that? How the hell do you think they became cliches? Because they are the truth. And the truth never goes anywhere. We just pretend it's something else. Don't bother to remember it when it really matters. Well it still fucking matters. I hope you read this, and I also could give two shits. It's the truth, and that's good enough. More than anyone could ask for. The truth doesn't go anywhere. The truth will be right here.
8.12.2009
3.03.2009
Ideas
I wonder who creates the ideas in your head. I know they are shaped by what you've heard and what others have told you, but what puts your opinion there in the first place? How do we develop what we think about things. How do we see things differently from other people? Sure we have all grown up different ways, but how does that change how we see things in the world. Is there really a reality out there? It doesn't seem like it most of the time. If there really is one reality, how is it possible that everyone can see something completely different when they look at the same thing? Although, maybe they see the same thing but they make something different out of it. It is so easy to communicate with some people, and so difficult to communicate with others. It is so simple to talk to my sister who has had basically all the same experiences as me throughout her life. Yet, how do I really know we are talking about the same thing? Does she see what I'm seeing when we are looking at the same thing? Is it really the same thing from two different sets of eyes? I have no idea. I think I have such an interest with words and language because I cannot understand how we can communicate at all. Even when we do communicate it is so ineffective. I can sit and watch people misunderstand each other in everyday situations and know what each of them is thinking and why they thought that way or the other. I wish I could explain the misunderstandings to everyone, but they happen way too frequently. How is there any way for me to share my experience with you as it happened to me. You have no idea about how I explain things, how I see things. When I really think about it, it makes me feel very isolated. I cannot express to you what I see in any clear way because there is no way for you to see it as I do. You haven't had the experiences I've had. Communicating with another person is like analyzing literature. You have to look into the author's past, how they use certain conventions, and what they mean when they say certain things. Nothing someone says is simply what they said. You have to know my past, my dreams, my faults, my insecurities, and my ignorance to understand what I'm talking about, to really know what I mean. It is all very frustrating.
But really, how do you form the ideas in your head. There are so many things running through my mind where I have no idea how or when they were placed there. A few of them I can fish out, but so many others I have no clue. Where did they come from? Are you born with certain ideas? Sure your family or lack there of put some kind of values and thoughts in there, but how do you form that opinion? What makes you think negatively while others think positively? How can I see that everything is connected and someone else can't? I wish I could show those who can't, but would they even want to see? Would they believe it if they did? Everything can seem so clear to me and make absolutely no sense to someone else. I wonder if there is any truth to the clarity that I feel I can see. If I cannot show anyone else then what is the use of it? So many people cannot see the connections, does that mean it doesn't exist? But then again, some can. This all seems rather crazy when I write it out.
But really, how do you form the ideas in your head. There are so many things running through my mind where I have no idea how or when they were placed there. A few of them I can fish out, but so many others I have no clue. Where did they come from? Are you born with certain ideas? Sure your family or lack there of put some kind of values and thoughts in there, but how do you form that opinion? What makes you think negatively while others think positively? How can I see that everything is connected and someone else can't? I wish I could show those who can't, but would they even want to see? Would they believe it if they did? Everything can seem so clear to me and make absolutely no sense to someone else. I wonder if there is any truth to the clarity that I feel I can see. If I cannot show anyone else then what is the use of it? So many people cannot see the connections, does that mean it doesn't exist? But then again, some can. This all seems rather crazy when I write it out.
2.09.2009
Cultural Preservation and Human Rights
The topic of human rights in the face of cultural preservation has been on my mind lately. It came up the other night while watching Mark and Olly Life with the Mek. This program on the Travel Channel chronicles the adventures of Mark and Olly, two British "explorers" who go out to live with the Mek tribe in West Papua New Guinea for 4 months or so. These guys aren't researchers or anthropologists; they are just living with these people on a sort of adventure, as they describe it in the title. The part of this one episode that got me to thinking about this certain topic had to do with the Mek's tribal beliefs. It began with the tribe's leader, Markus, coming down with some sort of illness. Mark is convinced it is some sort of malaria that is causing Markus's state, but Markus is convinced that it is the work of a witch. Mark does some tests in order to determine whether Markus has a sort of deadly malaria.
First of all, this act struck me. Who is this British "survivalist" to come in to this remote tribe's life and bring in Western medical practices? By simply introducing themselves into this tribe's life has already disrupted it, much less their disregard for preserving their way of life. I wonder what Markus made of this Western medical hypothesis; did it offend him that Mark did not want to believe his illness was brought on by a witch, but malaria? Markus does not seem angered my Mark's discredit of his theory, but is not convinced by Mark's conclusion and continues to believe that his illness has supernatural origins. I wonder what the right course of action in this situation would be. Do you continue to let this man believe he has been cursed by a witch or do you diagnose his possibly fatal disease and seek medical help? Upon first inspection I would lean towards allowing Markus to carry on believing his illness was caused by the witch, as not to further destroy their ancient belief system. However, should I really stand by and allow this man to die if a cure exists? Since the choice to seek cures from Western medicine is up to Markus, for it is his life at stake, I stand by allowing him to believe what he wishes and seek whatever cure he thinks appropriate.
However, another problem arises with the proposed cure for Markus's illness. If a witch is indeed responsible for this illness, then it is decided that the witch must be killed rather gruesomely. The added problem is that the accused witch is a young girl that lives within the village, who moved there from a neighboring land.
Mark and Olly decide that if any physical harm is to come to this girl that they should step in. As I was watching with my father, he stated that he did not think this would be the right course of action. At first, I was quick to agree with him given my knowledge of anthropological practice and the need to preserve indigenous culture and religious practice. However, Mark and Olly are not anthropologists, but honorary members of the tribe and simple travelers and apparently had no regard for anthropological methods. When I thought further, I began to side with Mark and Olly on this one. Should a human life be taken for a religious ritual? Would it be a life for a life if it would cure Markus?
The analogy that struck me most profoundly was the situation in Nazi Germany in the concentration camps. Would it have been wrong to stand up and no allow the Nazis to slaughter the Jews? I'm sure the Nazis thought they had every right to kill them, being as they were no better than dogs. In their minds they were curing their society, purifying it. Would allowing the Mek people to kill this girl be any different than standing by and allowing a Jew to be gassed? Would not saving the Jew disrupt the cultural practice of the Nazis? When I look at it from this angled I do not think I would allow myself to stand back and watch this young girl be sacrificed. This situation makes me question the role of the outsider in a foreign land. I wonder when is the time to step in and when should we allow events to take their course? I find this predicament very relevant with our current political situation. When should the U.S. step in and intervene and when should we allow other societies to sort situations out for themselves?
Thought this was something interesting to think about...
First of all, this act struck me. Who is this British "survivalist" to come in to this remote tribe's life and bring in Western medical practices? By simply introducing themselves into this tribe's life has already disrupted it, much less their disregard for preserving their way of life. I wonder what Markus made of this Western medical hypothesis; did it offend him that Mark did not want to believe his illness was brought on by a witch, but malaria? Markus does not seem angered my Mark's discredit of his theory, but is not convinced by Mark's conclusion and continues to believe that his illness has supernatural origins. I wonder what the right course of action in this situation would be. Do you continue to let this man believe he has been cursed by a witch or do you diagnose his possibly fatal disease and seek medical help? Upon first inspection I would lean towards allowing Markus to carry on believing his illness was caused by the witch, as not to further destroy their ancient belief system. However, should I really stand by and allow this man to die if a cure exists? Since the choice to seek cures from Western medicine is up to Markus, for it is his life at stake, I stand by allowing him to believe what he wishes and seek whatever cure he thinks appropriate.
However, another problem arises with the proposed cure for Markus's illness. If a witch is indeed responsible for this illness, then it is decided that the witch must be killed rather gruesomely. The added problem is that the accused witch is a young girl that lives within the village, who moved there from a neighboring land.
Mark and Olly decide that if any physical harm is to come to this girl that they should step in. As I was watching with my father, he stated that he did not think this would be the right course of action. At first, I was quick to agree with him given my knowledge of anthropological practice and the need to preserve indigenous culture and religious practice. However, Mark and Olly are not anthropologists, but honorary members of the tribe and simple travelers and apparently had no regard for anthropological methods. When I thought further, I began to side with Mark and Olly on this one. Should a human life be taken for a religious ritual? Would it be a life for a life if it would cure Markus?
The analogy that struck me most profoundly was the situation in Nazi Germany in the concentration camps. Would it have been wrong to stand up and no allow the Nazis to slaughter the Jews? I'm sure the Nazis thought they had every right to kill them, being as they were no better than dogs. In their minds they were curing their society, purifying it. Would allowing the Mek people to kill this girl be any different than standing by and allowing a Jew to be gassed? Would not saving the Jew disrupt the cultural practice of the Nazis? When I look at it from this angled I do not think I would allow myself to stand back and watch this young girl be sacrificed. This situation makes me question the role of the outsider in a foreign land. I wonder when is the time to step in and when should we allow events to take their course? I find this predicament very relevant with our current political situation. When should the U.S. step in and intervene and when should we allow other societies to sort situations out for themselves?
Thought this was something interesting to think about...
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